Suddenly, i feel that things are not always as bad as it seems to be.
Maybe we should stop forming impressions out of misunderstandings. Because perhaps, just perhaps, we have been wrong-- The perspective at which we view things might be biased because we might have been looking through tinted lenses all the time.
This one person, that we had believed to be a cow of all edges........He don't seem to be that bad after all. Initially, all of us thought that he was someone who is damn self-centered, and only cared about himself and his personal achievements. However, today, he changed my opinion. Even though he left, he still do turn look back. He still do want the pull despite the fact that our cca caused him to feel like crap. Technically speaking, you wun want to have anything related to something that caused you nothing but sadness right. He could have just taken it as if that he had left the cca so he isn't obliged to pay for the pull anymore. But he bought, and even asked me to remind him to pay up. He seems to cling on, can see that he still cherishes us. Maybe, he misses us too? His actions, really changed my opinion about him instantly- that he might not be what he seemed to be. He still do care. He is not as nonchalant and self-centered as he was portrayed to be.
And so this made me reflect.
I might not be what i thought of myself to be either. I might not be an introvert, my sec 3 days proved it alright. I do have the confidence. I had alot more confidence when i was young too! It's possible for me to shine.
It is definitely possible.
I just got to believe it.
And make it happen.
I can do this.
YES I CAN.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
It's time
Today, is a day of sorrow.
It's a day when everybody is allowed to release themselves.
Of the suspense, of the groans and of the tears.
Heart-breaking. Receiving back the results was heart-breaking.
My results were okay. Actually that's not the main point, i don't really give a fuck.
But seeing them laugh as if they have accepted it, they have expected it, hurts.
The fact that they are going to retain.
All of them worked so damn hard. I don't even know if i can compare with them. I slacked with them, i slept the hours away with them, i lepaked with them.. When they are studying i was most probably still sleeping.....
Then why is it that i'm the only damned one that have a chance of promoting.
Before going off for pw, had a talk with mpah. And she was the first person i broke down to. 丢脸。
She told me that their chances of promoting are really really bleak. I couldn't take it. I couldn't uds.
After pw, had to help sof with her pw along with gab. Sof can't make it too, fel oli dangerous. Heart pain.
Then had a h2h talk with gab, telling him to stay.
"But you will promote"
"We'll still be in the same cca"
"But you will promote"
"We'll still be in the cca"
He broke. I pretended not to see his tears, but failed and broke anyway.
For a moment we just stared into each other's eyes. That moment was rly special.
So special that i'm afraid it'll be extinct.
And sy that asshole. She destroyed all my hopes even before i can give her some of mine. She's just so nonchalant that i rly feel like slapping her for her to let all her feelings out. I know she must be devastated inside, i don't want her to bottle everything up. I want to share her pain too, not only her joys. I can't bear to lose her. Not at all. Seeing her like that is damn hell worrying me. I.... I don't want her to cry alone.
When mchua came over and talk to the three of them, i couldn't help it. I excused myself and went off weeping in the toilet cubicle.
Today's pickup was horrible too. I couldn't see shit, cause it was too dark. But that is definitely not the main cause of my own inability to catch the discs. Harriet did damn well as compared to me, even though both of us are first-timers. I rly lack confidence. Just where. Where had my confidence gone to?
On the way home, i reflected on myself. And realised, painfully, how netball was directly related to my personality. I'm an introvert, no question about it. I don't open up easily, and have an inertia level of infinity when it comes to dealing with change. I hate it when things are not in my control.
Which is the reason i was a keeper. I keep stuffs, i don't attack, i don't venture. Only when there was invasion in my territory will i then act accordingly to deal with it. I am not outspoken. In fact, i'm afraid, i'm terribly afraid of being judged. Hence in order not to get hurt, i'll always stand within my one-third of the court, where it is safe. And this is worrying. This is the reason why i cannot improve, and always stay where i am. Yes eugene, i did learn something. Something extremely valuable.
I have to change. I NEED TO.
CHANGE
It's a day when everybody is allowed to release themselves.
Of the suspense, of the groans and of the tears.
Heart-breaking. Receiving back the results was heart-breaking.
My results were okay. Actually that's not the main point, i don't really give a fuck.
But seeing them laugh as if they have accepted it, they have expected it, hurts.
The fact that they are going to retain.
All of them worked so damn hard. I don't even know if i can compare with them. I slacked with them, i slept the hours away with them, i lepaked with them.. When they are studying i was most probably still sleeping.....
Then why is it that i'm the only damned one that have a chance of promoting.
Before going off for pw, had a talk with mpah. And she was the first person i broke down to. 丢脸。
She told me that their chances of promoting are really really bleak. I couldn't take it. I couldn't uds.
After pw, had to help sof with her pw along with gab. Sof can't make it too, fel oli dangerous. Heart pain.
Then had a h2h talk with gab, telling him to stay.
"But you will promote"
"We'll still be in the same cca"
"But you will promote"
"We'll still be in the cca"
He broke. I pretended not to see his tears, but failed and broke anyway.
For a moment we just stared into each other's eyes. That moment was rly special.
So special that i'm afraid it'll be extinct.
And sy that asshole. She destroyed all my hopes even before i can give her some of mine. She's just so nonchalant that i rly feel like slapping her for her to let all her feelings out. I know she must be devastated inside, i don't want her to bottle everything up. I want to share her pain too, not only her joys. I can't bear to lose her. Not at all. Seeing her like that is damn hell worrying me. I.... I don't want her to cry alone.
When mchua came over and talk to the three of them, i couldn't help it. I excused myself and went off weeping in the toilet cubicle.
Today's pickup was horrible too. I couldn't see shit, cause it was too dark. But that is definitely not the main cause of my own inability to catch the discs. Harriet did damn well as compared to me, even though both of us are first-timers. I rly lack confidence. Just where. Where had my confidence gone to?
On the way home, i reflected on myself. And realised, painfully, how netball was directly related to my personality. I'm an introvert, no question about it. I don't open up easily, and have an inertia level of infinity when it comes to dealing with change. I hate it when things are not in my control.
Which is the reason i was a keeper. I keep stuffs, i don't attack, i don't venture. Only when there was invasion in my territory will i then act accordingly to deal with it. I am not outspoken. In fact, i'm afraid, i'm terribly afraid of being judged. Hence in order not to get hurt, i'll always stand within my one-third of the court, where it is safe. And this is worrying. This is the reason why i cannot improve, and always stay where i am. Yes eugene, i did learn something. Something extremely valuable.
I have to change. I NEED TO.
CHANGE
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Friday, October 5, 2012
Blurry
Cried on the bus today. It came in waves.
I can't bear with it any longer. I rly don't know how long more i can last.
The thought of us separating at the end of the year is killling me.
Today all three of us were at the same bus stop, and all three of us were taking different buses.
All, to different destinations.
It's so fucking painful. So damn painful.
My heart is in pieces.
Why. Why the fuck the school has to retain so many people.
They are improving, they are freaking improving.
SO TELL ME WHY THE FUCK MUST YOU GUN THEM DOWN WHEN THEY FINALLY SAW SOME LIGHT.
I don't understand. Academic results can't show anything.
It's not always that academic results reflect the amount of hard work and sweat that they actually put in.
Then why must you condemn them like this.
Why.
Knn why.
Today we had exco meeting. Then we're talking about the size of the team.
How we might need to recruit more members
Because some of us will leave.
Then eugene looked at me straight in the eye, and told me.
"Tiu don't think can alrdy"
"If he retaining he's going private"
"If ward retain we set liao"
"Ward leave i also go le"
I know that. I know all of it.
But i don't wna hear you. I don't wna hear you at all.
"Then what about us? What about everything we've been through?"
When i saw tiu, holding back the tears was all i can do.
Feeling so terrible today.
I rly. I rly don't want them to leave.
"Then what about me? What am i supposed to do?"
"I believe that i'll miss you"
Help them. Help me.
Cause i'll be lost without you. Without you both.
Please. おねがい.
I swear i'll go vegan for a month if all of us are alright.
私はそれらを愛する
I can't bear with it any longer. I rly don't know how long more i can last.
The thought of us separating at the end of the year is killling me.
Today all three of us were at the same bus stop, and all three of us were taking different buses.
All, to different destinations.
It's so fucking painful. So damn painful.
My heart is in pieces.
Why. Why the fuck the school has to retain so many people.
They are improving, they are freaking improving.
SO TELL ME WHY THE FUCK MUST YOU GUN THEM DOWN WHEN THEY FINALLY SAW SOME LIGHT.
I don't understand. Academic results can't show anything.
It's not always that academic results reflect the amount of hard work and sweat that they actually put in.
Then why must you condemn them like this.
Why.
Knn why.
Today we had exco meeting. Then we're talking about the size of the team.
How we might need to recruit more members
Because some of us will leave.
Then eugene looked at me straight in the eye, and told me.
"Tiu don't think can alrdy"
"If he retaining he's going private"
"If ward retain we set liao"
"Ward leave i also go le"
I know that. I know all of it.
But i don't wna hear you. I don't wna hear you at all.
"Then what about us? What about everything we've been through?"
When i saw tiu, holding back the tears was all i can do.
Feeling so terrible today.
I rly. I rly don't want them to leave.
"Then what about me? What am i supposed to do?"
"I believe that i'll miss you"
Help them. Help me.
Cause i'll be lost without you. Without you both.
Please. おねがい.
I swear i'll go vegan for a month if all of us are alright.
私はそれらを愛する
Thursday, October 4, 2012
If happily ever after did exist
"The Little Mermaid was written as a love letter by Hans Christian Anderson to Edvard Collin. Anderson, upon hearing of Collin’s engagement to a young woman, proclaimed his love to him. He told him ”I long for you as though you were a beautiful Calabrian girl.” Edvard Collin turned Anderson down, disgusted. Anderson then wrote The Little Mermaid to symbolize his inability to have Collin just as a mermaid cannot be with a human. He sent it to Collin in 1836 and it goes down in history as one of the most profound love letters ever written."
I swear this is the 2nd saddest shit i've ever read this year. The first was jft96, which is probably one of the biggest tragedy in the world. But this, my childhood?????
GOD WHY
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Detached
Today marks the end of promos, and unlike everyone else- no i'm not happy.
I'm not happy at all.
It's really depressing to know that it's difficult to promote. For me to promote, for us to promote.
I'm going downhill, things aren't looking bright for me. It's only ABIT comforting to know that my midyears can pull up my marks a little. I still do have a chance of promoting. Tho dim, but still there.
I have to promote.
But i.
I can't.
I can't imagine myself promoting without you guys. Not at all.
As for yujie no need to worry lah, he's gna promote, definitely (•‿•) Simone too! I know you think it's tough, but with the help of yj i know you can make it! (•‿•) I'm rly rly rly happy to see that!!!
I'm not happy at all.
It's really depressing to know that it's difficult to promote. For me to promote, for us to promote.
I'm going downhill, things aren't looking bright for me. It's only ABIT comforting to know that my midyears can pull up my marks a little. I still do have a chance of promoting. Tho dim, but still there.
I have to promote.
But i.
I can't.
I can't imagine myself promoting without you guys. Not at all.
As for yujie no need to worry lah, he's gna promote, definitely (•‿•) Simone too! I know you think it's tough, but with the help of yj i know you can make it! (•‿•) I'm rly rly rly happy to see that!!!
But limsiyi. You and gabrieltiu.
I can't imagine a j2 life without you two. It's so dark i can't see shit.
I want you both to promote. I need you both to promote!!!!!!!!
You both are like the closest people to me. Rly the closest.
It's fucking heartbreaking when y'all alrdy act like y'all have 0 hope of promoting.
I keep telling you both to have hope even though i am devoid of it too. Because i need y'all to give me strength- the strength to carry on smiling despite knowing that our future together is bleak.
I need you guys.
Stop telling me how you're prepared to retain or you're gna transfer to tp or private.
We can make it. We must make it. All of us.
Please.
Make it happen.
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