It's time

Today, is a day of sorrow.
It's a day when everybody is allowed to release themselves.
Of the suspense, of the groans and of the tears.
Heart-breaking. Receiving back the results was heart-breaking.
My results were okay. Actually that's not the main point, i don't really give a fuck.
But seeing them laugh as if they have accepted it, they have expected it, hurts.
The fact that they are going to retain.

All of them worked so damn hard. I don't even know if i can compare with them. I slacked with them, i slept the hours away with them, i lepaked with them.. When they are studying i was most probably still sleeping.....
Then why is it that i'm the only damned one that have a chance of promoting.
Before going off for pw, had a talk with mpah. And she was the first person i broke down to. 丢脸。
She told me that their chances of promoting are really really bleak. I couldn't take it. I couldn't uds.

After pw, had to help sof with her pw along with gab. Sof can't make it too, fel oli dangerous. Heart pain.
Then had a h2h talk with gab, telling him to stay.
"But you will promote"
"We'll still be in the same cca"
"But you will promote"
"We'll still be in the cca"
He broke. I pretended not to see his tears, but failed and broke anyway.
For a moment we just stared into each other's eyes. That moment was rly special.
So special that i'm afraid it'll be extinct.

And sy that asshole. She destroyed all my hopes even before i can give her some of mine. She's just so nonchalant that i rly feel like slapping her for her to let all her feelings out. I know she must be devastated inside, i don't want her to bottle everything up. I want to share her pain too, not only her joys. I can't bear to lose her. Not at all. Seeing her like that is damn hell worrying me. I.... I don't want her to cry alone.

When mchua came over and talk to the three of them, i couldn't help it. I excused myself and went off weeping in the toilet cubicle.

Today's pickup was horrible too. I couldn't see shit, cause it was too dark. But that is definitely not the main cause of my own inability to catch the discs. Harriet did damn well as compared to me, even though both of us are first-timers. I rly lack confidence. Just where. Where had my confidence gone to?

On the way home, i reflected on myself. And realised, painfully, how netball was directly related to my personality. I'm an introvert, no question about it. I don't open up easily, and have an inertia level of infinity when it comes to dealing with change. I hate it when things are not in my control.
Which is the reason i was a keeper. I keep stuffs, i don't attack, i don't venture. Only when there was invasion in my territory will i then act accordingly to deal with it. I am not outspoken. In fact, i'm afraid, i'm terribly afraid of being judged. Hence in order not to get hurt, i'll always stand within my one-third of the court, where it is safe. And this is worrying. This is the reason why i cannot improve, and always stay where i am. Yes eugene, i did learn something. Something extremely valuable.

I have to change. I NEED TO.
CHANGE